How to Heal a Broken Heart

Introduction

It's rare for a person to go through life without having their heart broken at least once. 
So, if it's any consolation to you, you have plenty of company. This guide provides some 
suggestions to help you heal a broken heart. 

In general, there are four stages of recovering from a broken heart:

1. Mourning
2. Repairing Self-Esteem
3. Overcoming the "Blues"
4. Forgiveness 

In the sections below, suggestions are given for each stage of recovery. 
If some of the suggestions don't fit your circumstances or personality; that's okay. 
Just use the ones that you are comfortable with.

The Heartbreak

Your heart has been broken. Perhaps your husband or wife left you, or your boy\girlfriend 
dumped you. In either case, your romantic relationship has come to an end. As you may have 
already learned, few things can make you happier, or build you up, as much as an adoring 
romantic partner. And when it ends, few things can tear you down just as quick. So, what do you do now? 

To holistically heal a broken heart, you must successfully pass through four stages.

 1. Mourning

You just suffered a loss. While it's important to be rational and appropriately contain intense negative 
emotions, these emotions need release. You cannot just bury the feelings and hope that they eventually go away.

The trick in the mourning stage is to give release to your emotions in such a way that it does no harm to you or 
to others around you. While support from friends and family is important, true mourning should be done in private. 
Why? For one, if other people are around, they will try to comfort you thus interrupting the needed emotional release. 
Two, it is considerate to spare friends and loved ones from seeing you so distressed. And third, it will spare you from 
saying or doing something in front of others that may embarrass you later.

Cry Your Eyes Out if You Have To

Woman often have "a good cry" following a breakup. From a psychological point of view, this is very healthy. 
The emotional cleansing reduces the stress of heartbreak, leaves one much more relax, and usually helps the person 
afterward to think more rationally. One woman I knew, Donna, told me that she cried every night for a year after her 
husband left her. While this may seem excessive, for her and her personality, it was appropriate and healing. 

For some people, anger may be the dominate emotion following a romantic loss. In this case, put on the boxing gloves 
and head to the next kicking boxing class. Anger, just like any other intense emotion, needs release. Otherwise, it will 
begin to poison you and physiological symptoms such as high blood pressure, exhausted adrenals, lowered immunity 
system, etc, will eventually manifest. One great quote that I heard on this subject (whose author I unfortunately do not 
recall), said, "The body cries the tears that the eyes do not." If punching a bag is not your thing, find a good pillow or 
something else inanimate that you can pummel and go to it. Do this until exhausted, both physically and emotionally. 
Repeat as necessary.

How to Tell When You Have Sufficiently Mourned

Recall a significant memory of your former lover. If you feel like crying or if you feel like punching someone, you have not 
completed the mourning period. When you can bring up a memory and have it free of intense emotion, you have successfully 
completed this stage. Less intense feelings such as mild melancholy or being slightly upset are normal and pretty much to be 
expected. You just want to be sure the very intense feelings and emotional reactions are now gone.

In summary, if you are experiencing intense sadness or anger, these emotions require release. The trick is to release these 
emotions in a safe, private way that does no harm to you or others. If you neglect this step, you will never fully recover 
from the break up.

2. Repairing Self-Esteem

Not much more can be damaging to one's self-esteem than having a person that you love leave you. You must take the time 
to rebuild your confidence and feelings of self-worth. You must do the rebuilding yourself, without relying on anyone else. 
If you rely on another person (even someone well meaning), you are relinquishing the power of determining your own level 
of self-confidence. To be a truly happy person, you must not be dependent on others for your happiness.

What NOT to Do

I have personally witnessed many times, both male and female, a person impulsively indulging in sexually promiscuous 
behavior after a breakup, especially when a long term relationship ends. This is a big no-no. It is a natural, but impulsive 
and usually counter-productive reaction to try to quickly fill the void of a former lover, especially if you are not too picky about 
who it is. Avoid this mistake! Now is not the time to get sexually or romantically involved with another person. You are emotionally 
sensitive and vulnerable at this stage. Now is the time to protect yourself from further harm and avoid doing things that you may 
regret later. Have the soundness of mind and strength of character to abstain from romantic and sexual attachments during the healing 
process. You are in the rebuilding stage. If you interrupt this stage with frivolities, you delay its completion.

Rebuilding Self-Confidence

Please refer to this link on my site Self-Confidence. You'll find a helpful list of things to do to repair damaged self-esteem. 
Pick anything that appeals to you. If you don't feel like doing anything yet except moping around at home, you are 
probably still in the mourning stage. That's okay for the time being, but avoid getting stuck in an extended slump. 
Eventually, you need to gather what energy you have and get on with you life.

3. Combating the Blues

Feeling down? That's natural considering the circumstances. However, it's important to begin to cheer yourself up. 

Below is an excerpt from my book, How I Got Lucky and Bumped Into God. The advice quoted was directed toward a 
woman who was "stuck" in a listless existence after her mother passed away. Men can alter the list slightly to be appropriate 
for their gender. If you are still in the "mourning" or "rebuilding" stage, skip the advice below about getting . . . you know . . . getting . . .

	"I was hoping you could help me get over my depression," she said.
	"How am I supposed to do that?" I asked.
	"I hoped that . . . that maybe you would be able to give me some suggestions."
	"You want suggestions for how to get rid of your depression?" I asked loudly. "That's easy! 
Wear nothing but brightly colored clothes for now on. Watch only comedies on TV and in the movies. 
Avoid watching or listening to the news. Take dancing classes with some good-looking Latin instructors. 
Get your hair and nails done nice. Travel somewhere you always wanted to go but haven't been to yet. 
Hire a buff male personal trainer at a health club. Every night before you go to sleep, think of five things 
that day that you are thankful for. And lastly, go out and get yourself . . . you know . . . get yourself . . ." I said, 
winking one eye conspicuously.
	"Get myself what?"
	"Oh, for heaven's sake. Get yourself laid!"

4. Forgiveness

For purposes of this discussion, our definition of forgiveness here is an absence of malice toward the other person. 
In this context, forgiveness does NOT require you to absolve the other person of hurtful words or behavior. 
Nor does it require that you tell the other person that you forgive them or that you become friendly with them again. 
It just means that you no longer harbor strong negative feelings toward the person.

Why forgive?

First, for selfish reasons. It would be very difficult to completely heal a broken heart until you forgive the other person for
 any wrongdoing, either real or perceived. Whenever you harbor anger or resentment toward another human being, 
especially someone you used to love dearly, this becomes a drain on you emotionally and physically.

The second reason why to forgive - in most cases, if we are honest with ourselves, we contributed somehow or to some degree 
to the breakup. Even if you are a completely innocent victim (in the sense that you did not contribute to the breakup in some way), 
keep in mind that the other person is probably going through a difficult time as well. They have made a decision, and in the case 
of a marriage, a life long decision, to end a relationship with someone they used to love. Whatever you may be going through, odds are 
that they are also experiencing an emotionally difficult time.

Remember Donna, the girl that cried her eyes out every night for a year? About a year and a half after her husband left, he attempted 
suicide. He was obviously a disturbed man whose troubles extended well beyond his romantic relationship. So, while it may be 
difficult to do, try to realize that the other person is probably suffering in some way too. Perhaps they are suffering in a different way 
or to a different degree than you, but they are suffering none-the-less. They made mistakes. You made mistakes. You're both human. 
It's time to forgive and move on. 

It's important to point out that, if you find it difficult to forgive someone, this is probably because you are still angry with them. 
If so, you need to go back to step 1, Mourning. And remember, forgiveness (in our context here) does not mean you have to like the 
person or be friendly with them. It just means that you do not wish them any harm (absence of malice). 

Once last note on this subject - In both my personal and professional life I have heard more than one person claim that they have 
forgiven someone who had hurt them. It was obvious by their body language and other non-verbal clues that this wasn't true. 
So, don't delude yourself. Be honest. It's your heart. Take good care of it, even if other people haven't extended the same courtesy. 
If you proclaim that you have forgiven someone, but really haven't, you are just delaying your own healing process.

To sum up, healing your heart requires:

1. Release of all intense negative emotions (sometimes called emotional cleansing or emotional clearing. I refer to it as the mourning stage).
2. Repair of the damage to your self-esteem\self-confidence.
3. Getting over the "blues".
4. Forgiving the other person.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful and wish you well in the healing process.

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